A Cause for Celebration

Today I'm joining in the weekly Celebrating the Small Things bloghop for the first time. It's simple: just sign up on the linky list, post some celebrations, and hop around to share the celebrations of others. This week I feel like celebrating so here goes.

First, something that none of you will get but I have to mention it anyway because it makes me so happy. Last month, the player music system in the MMORPG I play, The Lord of the Rings Online, was broken beyond use. Now, this is my absolute favorite part of the game and one of my favorite things in life period. So I've been pretty sad about it. But on Wednesday, it was finally fixed! I spent yesterday afternoon playing music in game with friends and it was wonderful.

Second, and more important, yesterday was also my son's Kindergarten graduation. Now to understand why this is so special to us, you have to understand that my son was put in a special school program for children with autism. He's been getting therapy for his speech and motor skills because when he started the school year in September, he could barely communicate with anything other than movie quotes and he wasn't even potty trained. But his teachers are the most wonderful set of women in the world because throughout the year he has seen steady improvement. He's potty trained (though he still sometimes goes through periods of regression), he actually talks to us and understands us, he's progressing so well in math, reading and writing that he was able later in the year to join in a regular kindergarten class for those lessons. His improvement is remarkable and we are so proud of him. (Though I imagine he's still going to drive us crazy after his classes end on the 19th. Summer is the bane of all parents.)

Third, and most important of all, last weekend my brother was in a dangerous car crash after falling asleep at the wheel in the middle of the night. It was a head on collision and the two victims (my brother and the woman in the other car) were both injured. My bother had several broken bones and was believed to be in danger for a day after being taken to the hospital. However, he pulled through quickly and though he looked pretty banged up when I visited him on Monday, he's recovering well and should be able to go home this weekend. (Though he probably will seriously miss the little button he gets to push to administer pain meds.) It reminds me of the car crash I was in many years ago after I fell asleep at the wheel in the middle of the day and rear ended someone. It could have been much worse (no injuries) and I was so lucky. But at least for my brother there isn't any permanent damage and maybe he'll learn a lesson about driving tired.

Nothing new on the writing front because with doctor appointments and end of school year activities this has been one busy and exhausting week. And tomorrow we are driving out of town with 5 kids (!) to attend a family high school graduation part. Wish me luck. 

Well, those are the things I'm celebrating this week. How about you?

Fumbled it Again

I fumbled the A to Z Challenge. Again.

But rather than asking myself why I even bother to jump into things that I obviously can't handle I'm going to stick to telling myself, "It's better to have strived and failed than never to have striven at all."

Still, I think I've learned something important about myself. (Something more than "Oh God, remind me never to try the A to Z again.") Or at least finally managed to get it through my thick skull:

I can't handle hard deadlines or schedules.

Now, let me clarify. I've tried deadlines and schedules. I've tried them in abundance. I've tried participating in the excellent A Round of Words in 80 Days, which is about as lenient a writing challenge as you can get, and I even signed up for NaNoWriMo last year, a much stricter challenge, and gave that a shot. I've tried setting my own goals somewhere in between. I've tried telling myself "just write something, anything, even if it's only one sentence of fiction, everyday." I've tried various daily word count goals. I've tried every type of goal I can think of.

But here's the thing... (and when you read that, I want you to hear it in the voice of Tony Shalhoub as Monk, because I always do.) Here's the thing... I become hopelessly anxious at the thought of deadlines. And it doesn't matter what word you use. Call it a goal, call it a challenge, call it whatever you want. My inner demons aren't fooled. If I'm supposed to accomplish a specific task by a specific time/date then I can't handle it.

Trivia: in my senior year of high school I was supposed to write a 10 page paper for my English class. I couldn't handle the deadline for this paper. It passed by and I hadn't even read the book I was supposed to be analyzing. (I never actually did read the whole thing. It was an awful book, but there was a list of books we were supposed to choose from and I was sick that day so when I came back to school I had to choose from the dregs.) Weeks passed. My teacher finally cornered me and made it clear that my grade would be shot if I didn't turn in that paper. Filled with anxiety, I forced myself to write 10 pages of, what I thought of as, drivel. (Have I mentioned that I hate literary criticism? Which is basically what we were supposed to do.) Well, I must have simulated what my teacher wanted well enough because despite taking off 20 points for being late, I scraped a grade of 77.

What's the point of that story? There's a part of me that knows perfectly well that I can do the tasks that are set for me. I'm a smart, competent person and even a decent writer and part of me knows it. The other part is thoroughly convinced that I'm a failure at everything I do and that I can't write worth crap. The second part of me is usually in charge. And fighting against that part of me, even thinking about going against it, causes terrible anxiety EVEN WHEN I KNOW, LOGICALLY, THAT THAT PART OF ME IS WRONG. I've talked a bit about my anxiety before. Anxiety is painful in a very physical as well as mental way and it's exhausting to struggle with it. And people, like me, with real anxiety problems (I take medication, but it only helps so much) have no control over how our minds and bodies react to it.

I can't handle deadlines. They give me panic attacks. They paralyze my mind and body.

So what can I do?

I think the key to why deadlines give me such anxiety is that they are in the future. During all the time between NOW and THEN my mind has ample opportunity to play on my insecurities. (And it has a rip roaring time, let me tell you.) I usually start out well. But as time passes everything becomes more and more difficult for me to face. Perhaps, then, I should eliminate that time factor. But how?

I'm also the type of person who needs to feel prepared when I sit down to write. Otherwise uncertainty creeps in and that leads to more anxiety. I need to have my research done, my notes to hand, and at least a rough outline of what I want to accomplish with my story in mind. Right now I don't feel prepared. So I'm going to focus on preparation, because the thought of research and outlining doesn't freak me out like the thought of actually writing the story does. And I think if I'm better prepared then the thought of writing the story will freak me out less.

So my goal is to finish all of my research and worldbuilding notes and outlines by the end of the summer. (By that I mean the end of summer vacation.) Right now I've got 5 kids, 2 of which are in school. In September my middle child will be starting kindergarten. That will mean only the two little ones home and they both take good naps during the day. So if I can manage to finish everything I need to feel prepared over the summer, I'm going to try to discipline myself to sit down and write during nap time. I'm not going to set wordcount goals or anything, I'm not event going to set myself the goal of writing everyday. I'm just going to try to set up a correlation in my mind: nap time>write. I won't guilt myself if I miss a day or if I can only get a sentence down before the boys wake up. I will try to empty my mind of all pressures associated with writing. It will simply be nap time>write.

I will just have to wait and see whether this method will be helpful to me. Every writer needs to find their own method, their own positive habits, what works for them. I'm still searching. Perhaps once I have begun to find it I will feel that I can begin to call myself a real writer. Stay tuned.

New Baby, A to Z and Turning 31, Oh My!

I'm starting this post at 3 am because there's a hungry newborn baby in my arms. Severian Wolfe, born March 20th, continues mine and my husband's insane tradition of naming our kids after literary characters. Our first two are named after Elves from Tolkien's Middle-earth. The two after that are named after a prince and princess from Roger Zelazny's Amber Chronicles. Severian, number 5, is named after the main character from Gene Wolfe's (you see what we did there) The Book of the New Sun series. (Wolfe is also a reference to the lupine character from The 10th Kingdom movie.)

Who's the precious? You are!

Needless to say, this had made daily life rather busy lately. Hence my relative silence. And yet here I am signed up for the A to Z on Monday. I've been trying to come up with a good theme for the past month or so. I've tried several out and sat down to work out what to use for each letter and hit upon about 5 or 6 dead letters each time. Anyone who thinks blogging by the alphabet is easy should be shot. So in the end I've decided to fall back on the theme I picked for last year. The year when I signed up for the A to Z, put out 6 posts and then abruptly failed to do anything for the rest of the month. I guess this will be my opportunity to finish what I started since I had a lot of positive feedback on A through F. (Of course, I'll be using different words for those letters this year.)

The A to Z Fantastic will examine 26 qualities of fantasy literature that I think make it unique and wonderful. And I promise I'll finish it this time.

If all this weren't enough, today is my 31st birthday. Which means that I've been 30 for a whole year. I can remember when the thought of being 30 was horrifying, but the truth is it's been a surprisingly good experience. I've learned a lot more about myself in the last year than I have in a long time. I've noticed many changes from my younger days and I think that it's fair to say they were universally good changes. It's almost shocking, but I'm enjoying getting older. I feel like a better person than I've ever been before.

So all in all I am looking forward to April. I've always loved the Spring with its feeling of growth and potential permeating the air. This year I feel particularly hopeful about the coming months. I feel like I'm in a good place to really accomplish some things this year. Now how do you keep the evil spirit of procrastination away?

Blogfest! My Favorite Movies

Today I signed up to post for Alex Cavanaugh's Top 10 Movie Countdown blogfest. And the truth is, I've been trying to figure out what my favorite movies are for the past week with little success. Oh some choices are obvious.

All three of the original Indiana Jones films were huge influences on me in my childhood. It was Raiders of the Lost Ark that sparked my love of ancient history and made me want to be an archaeologist for several years. Of course, when I became older and wiser I learned that what Indy does is not archaeology, but I never lost my fascination for ancient cultures that these movies inspired.

The Last Crusade is my favorite of the three. You simply can't go wrong when you pair Harrison Ford and Sean Connery. I'm also probably one of the few people who thought the new movie was fun and decent. Harrison Ford was still Indy and that's enough for me.




Jumping ahead, in the last few years I've discovered the films of Hayao Miyazaki and fallen completely head over heals in love.

Japanese animation is a great storytelling medium and Miyazaki is its King. I cannot overestimate his genius, every single one of his films is a work of wonder and delight and incredible imagination. ALL Miyazaki films are better than at least 95% of the other fare out there. I've blogged about Spirited Away before, but brilliant as that one is, it's not one of my favorites of his.

For me, his first epic masterpiece, Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind, is still the best. It's a story set in a post apocalyptic world where humanity is fighting for survival against a poisonous environment only to discover that their ancestors were responsible for the devastation that threatens to wipe out human life. The land its self has set up a system of purification, but can humanity survive long enough to see the remade earth? Nausicaa believes that only learning to live in harmony with the earth again can save them, but not everyone agrees and war sweeps across the kingdoms that remain while Nausicaa fights for life. The world of Nausicaa is vividly imagined and the conflict is both awesomely epic and deeply personal. The score is also one of my favorites. Joe Hisaishi, who does all of Miyazaki's scores, is as unparalleled a musical genius as Miyazaki is a storytelling genius.

Then there's Princess Mononoke. Everything about this film is beautiful. The magical forest environment where most of the action takes place, the nuanced characters, the amazing musical score. This is a story which never takes the easy way out. It asks tough questions about how humans should treat their environment, it pits several different characters with differing viewpoints against each other and yet there is no "bad guy" and no one faction wins in the end. The message is clear: life is sacred and hatred can do nothing but destroy.

Other awesome Miyazaki films that everyone should definitely see include: Howl's Moving Castle, Castle in the Sky, Porco Rosso, and Ponyo. Though like I said, every single one he does is great.

Dune. Not the cheesy 80s movie. The visually spectacular, and much more faithful, mini series adaptation. (Do mini series count for this? They'll have to.) The book Dune is my favorite though its cerebral nature makes it a hard read. Somehow, the makers of this mini series managed to take a book that should be nearly impossible to film effectively and create an amazing visual interpretation that enhanced rather than detracted from my enjoyment of the book. (Which is saying something. I am a book to movie purist all the way.) The actors deserve major kudos for their portrayals of some of the most nuanced and real characters ever to grace genre fiction. If you like the Dune books and you've never seen this adaptation then you're really missing out.




I'll finish this not-a-Top-10-Countdown list with a couple of my favorite fantasy movies.

 

I admit it. I'm a sucker for David Bowie as the Goblin King. Dance Magic Dance. Also, Labyrinths are just cool.

"Fencing. Fighting. Torture. Poison. True love. Hate. Revenge. Giants. Hunters. Bad men. Good men. Beautifulest ladies. Snakes. Spiders. Beasts of all natures and descriptions. Pain. Death. Brave men. Coward men. Strongest men. Chases. Escapes. Lies. Truths. Passion. Miracles."

What more could you ask for? That quote is actually from the book, by the way, which, yes, is still better than the movie. Though not by much.

All right, I cheated and didn't actually list 10 movies. I'm not good at categorizing my favorites. (Don't ask me why I signed up to do just that.) These are some of my favorite movies. They are movies that have had an influence on me as a person and as a storyteller.

Truth be told, I've always been more of a book person. ;)

Insecure Writer's Support Group: Learning to say "It is good"

Take an insecurity and ratchet it all the way up and what do you get? An anxiety.

I've probably obliquely mentioned that I have anxiety issues before. But I'm one of those people who likes to (needs to, really) maintain a veneer of being calm and collected no matter how I feel on the inside. So while I'm projecting this...

There's a very real chance that on the inside I look more like this...

And the problem with the anxiety that I suffer is that it's general, meaning that at any given point in time I'm feeling strong anxiety about nothing in particular that manifests its self by making everything I want to do difficult. My anxiety isn't based on anything real or anything rational for the most part. And let me tell you, that drives me insane. Because I am a very rational and logical person. So I can sit back and examine my symptoms of anxiety and KNOW that there's nothing to be anxious about, no reason to argue about the possible consequences of every little thing, no basis to most of my fears. And yet, that knowledge has absolutely no affect on my symptoms. I simply can't control the physical effects of my fear. I can't stop the breathing difficulty or the rapidly beating heart or the muscular paralysis or anything else that I experience every time I need to make an important phone call. (That's right, I get severe anxiety from making phone calls. It's stupid and really, really inconvenient and I've been struggling against it for years with no results.)

Quite honestly, anxiety is something that people who have never suffered from it can't understand most of the time.

And I'm talking about this today because in addition to phone calls, trying new tastes, needles and other various things I suffer from anxiety of putting my own words out there for other people to read. I know that this is what's been holding me back for a long time as a writer. It was easier, once upon a time, when I didn't really consider publication as the goal of my writing. I just wrote because I couldn't help it and the only person I ever showed any of it to was my husband. Now that every word I write has the potential to be seen by the public...

Well, let's just say I even have a hard time hitting the publish button on blog posts. There's a part of me always second guessing myself, whispering "You could have said that much better with a bit more time". But down that road lies madness. If you start telling yourself that with a bit more work it could be so much better (even though it's true) then you'll never get around to publishing anything because it could ALWAYS get better. None of us are sitting down to the computer and typing up perfection on the first draft or even the 50th.

For me, this particular madness is preemptive. Before I even get a first draft down the voices are whispering to me, "Why bother? You'll never get it right. It will always fall short of what you want it to be." And that's probably true as well. It's probably been true of all the masterpieces of literature that were ever published. In one way or another, they fell short of the author's vision. And yet we have those masterpieces because at some point the writer looked at his or her creation and said "It is good." Not "It is perfect and could never get better" but simply "It is good."

I haven't managed to reach this point yet, but I'm working on it. I suspect simple discipline is necessary and I am admittedly not a very disciplined person in my habits. That's something I plan to work on this year.

So how about you? Do you struggle with this anxiety? Have you found ways of combating it? I could use all the tips and tricks I can get.

Getting Back into this Blog thing with a Fest!

And so I return from the void for another blogfest. Today is Alex J. Cavanaugh's First Loves Blogfest which asks us to reveal four of our first loves. So here goes...

First Movie

Is it getting hot in here?

To be honest, I've never been much of a movie person. I like movies. I watch movies. But they've never been something that I loved. Thinking back over the years, it's hard to find one that really stands out in my memory as a love. Still, it was through movies that my love of faraway places and ancient things was first awakened. In particular, it was the Indiana Jones movies that inspired me thus. It was Raiders of the Lost Ark that made me snatch up every book on Ancient Egypt I could find in the library and The Last Crusade that convinced me for several years that I wanted to be an archeologist. And Indy was my first (and longest lasting) character crush. I wrote Indiana Jones fanfiction (featuring a very MarySue-esque female version of Indiana Jones) and I even enjoyed the new Indiana Jones movie, because who can resist Indiana Jones? Not I. Not I. So thank you, Indiana Jones, for inadvertently setting me on the path that I still walk today, writing fantasy fiction strong influenced by the ancient world.

First Band

It was 8th grade and nearly summer. I was in Chorus, but we had already performed our last concert of the year so our teacher just gave us a movie to watch. That movie was Help! and it introduced me to the genius of The Beatles. I spent the next year being obsessed with Help! and soon had the album memorized. But it wasn't the sort of music that my friends or family listened to and no one else understood my new found love. I didn't even know about all the other Beatles music out there and no one I knew could tell me about it. My obsession faded away and I forgot about The Beatles for some years until I met my future husband. He was a huge Beatles fan and bought me a copy of Let it Be. Wow. Could there be two more different albums than Help! and Let it Be? It was the first time I realized the amazing range and versatility of The Beatles' genius. My obsession came back full force and this time I was able to indulge myself and listen to all their music. The Beatles are still my favorite band and now I'm passing on my love to my daughter.

First Book

Can there be any question? I've always loved books and reading. But The Lord of the Rings was the book that transformed my life. And that's not an exaggeration. It was the book the really opened up my horizons, showing me all that was possible in the realm of fantasy, revealing to me the depth and breadth that a story can reach. Not only that, it led me eventually to meet my husband, another huge Tolkien fan, and thus to our family of little Elves. It's also the book that made me want to write fantasy.

First Person

My husband. There's no getting around it. My husband has always been the one and only love of my life. We've been married for nearly 10 years, but I can barely remember what life was like without him. He just belongs in my life. And without him I couldn't do any of this. I depend on his feedback, his probing questions and ideas and his editing skills. I couldn't be a writer without him. And hopefully with his help I'll be published soon!

More About Me Than You Ever Wanted To Know

I've been writing some heavier posts this month. So today I'm breaking away from that with a little fluff.

A few weeks back T.B. McKenzie of Magickless passed on to me the Kreativ Blogger Award which I am honored to receive. Thanks, T.B.! One is supposed to list 10 things about yourself upon receiving this award. Here goes...

1. I've always hated my name because it is so common. Going through middle and high school there were 13 other Sarahs (or Saras) in my grade alone.

2. To compensate for this, I like to give my children unique names. Possibly too unique sometimes. No one can spell or pronounce my oldest son's name: Maedhros (It's pronounced My thros.) 

3. In high school I had two close friends who were also named Sarah. We called each other Los Tres Sarahs (And yes, I know that's not proper Spanish grammar, but I wasn't the one who took Spanish and came up with the name.) and we "fought crime on the side".

4. Los Tres Sarahs was also in the habit of randomly handing out coconuts to people during our lunch hour. It was always highly amusing to see their faces when you just walked up and handed them a coconut. By our senior year there was a waiting list to receive a coconut.

5. It may already be apparent, but I have a serious obsession with Middle-earth and J.R.R. Tolkien's writings set therein. I have a ridiculous amount of knowledge about that world and in particular about the Elves. For instance, I can rattle off the names of the seven sons of Feanor without a second thought: Maedhros, Maglor, Curufin, Caranthir, Celegorm, Amrod and Amras. I can also greet you in Quenya, the High Elven tongue: Suilanyel! or in Sindarin, the common Elven tongue: Mae govannen!

6. If I could trade places with any character in Middle-earth it would be Galadriel. She was the only main character that actually lived happily with the love of her life for thousands of years. Everyone else was either relatively short lived or had a tragic fate.

7. Despite my love of Middle-earth and all things Tolkien, my favorite book to read (and reread and reread) is actually Dune by Frank Herbert. And if I could write prose like anyone, I would want to write the way Frank Herbert wrote Dune.

8. In fact, I've always had a bit of a literary crush on Leto Atreides II from Children of Dune. Which is kind of creepy, because he's a kid. But he's also an adult. It's complicated.

9. I tend to get crushes on fictional characters far more easily than real people. (For which my husband is grateful.) Currently it's this guy...

Renji Abarai of Bleach.

10. I'm totally obsessed with the anime Bleach and everyone should go watch it. (Or you know, start watching it. There are 300+ episodes.) I'll be posting a writing lesson from Bleach later this week.

Whew. Ok. But wait, there's more. Miss Cole of Miss Cole Seeks Publisher tagged me to answer 11 questions.

1. When did you decide you wanted to become an author?

Fall of 2010. I've written since childhood, but it was never with the aim of becoming a published author. (I would often joke about "when I'm an internationally bestselling author..." but I never took it seriously.) It wasn't until fall of 2010 when I finally began to think to myself that hey, maybe this could actually be something I could do professionally.

2. What books inspired you to write?

In my younger years, it wasn't any specific book. I was just a constant reader and that naturally spilled over into writing as well. As a teenager I read The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings and that made me realize that fantasy was my true love and from then on I wrote fantasy stories.

3. What are your other hobbies?

Reading, of course. Though I do less of that now than before I had four kids. I also love to sew, particularly costumes. I most recently made a princess dress for my daughter to wear to a Princess Ball at school. I am also a casual MMO gamer though I exclusively play The Lord of the Rings Online. From LOTRO stems my hobbies of making music to play in game and creating role playing events based on the lore of Middle-earth. (I know. Major geek.) You could also say that because of this I'm an amateur Tolkien scholar with a focus on Quendology. (I just made up that word. It means study of the Elves.)

4. Favorite film?

Wow. Tough question. I'm not really a movies person. I'll just go with Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. That's been a favorite since I was a kid.

5. What is the worst film you have ever seen?

That's a hard one too. I used to work at a movie rental place for a while and we got to take home New Releases the weekend before they came out for free. So I've seen a good many horrible movies. I'd have to say The Scorpion King. Its general badness was heightened by the fact that The Mummy is a pretty enjoyable movie and while The Mummy played around with Egyptian mythology and history a bit too leniently, Scorpion King completely divorced its self from reality and common sense.

6. What would be your ultimate fictional crossover?

Harry Potter and Bleach. Hijinks and hilarity ensues.

7. What's your dream house like?

I used to think it was a castle. But now I think it's a Hobbit hole. 

8. Best trip you've ever taken?

Easily, the month I spent in Egypt the summer I was 17. Oh the places I went, the things I did, and the wonders I saw.

9. Got a favorite kind of cake?

I'm not much of a cake person. Though I like to get little chocolate ice cream cakes occasionally. Yum.

10. Are you sporty? What's your sport? And if you're not sporty, is there a sport you wish you were really good at?

I'm a champion at long distance chasing toddlers around.

11. What's your one hope for the future?

Only one? I'd say my primary hope is simply to live to a very old age with my family around me.

And I'm spent. That's already too much thinking for one day. So, if you comment on this post consider yourself tagged to answer the questions above (I can't think of 11 more right now.) and if you're on my blogroll consider the Kreativ Blogger Award passed your way.

Very Late to the Origins Blogfest

This is a very late entry for the Orgins Blogfest. Alas, I was not able to find the time to post this Monday, but I felt the subject worth exploring in a post all the same. So I decided to just post my entry today.

As I contemplated my origins as a writer I was forced to dwell not on authors who inspired me (Tolkien, Herbert, Powers) or my silly childhood attempts at Mary Sue fanfiction (me as a female Indiana Jones, no joke) or my desire to create something beautiful in the world... No. My origins as a writer go deeper than all of that.

The simple truth is that I began writing for the same reason that I was always a voracious reader: to escape.

This is an aspect of storytelling that is often looked down upon. And yet, it is central to humanity. There is an element of escapism in all storytelling. Whether you're escaping briefly from the grind of a desk job by coming home to a good thriller or allowing yourself to give in to the unspoken desires that daily life doesn't afford you with a steamy romance. No one has a life so perfect that they don't sometimes need to take their mind to another time and another place and life another life for a while.

Such experiences are refreshing to us. We gain renewed energy from stories and we learn things about ourselves that allow us to approach life in new and possibly better ways. The escape of a good story is essential to life.

Yet these aren't quite the reasons for my own need to escape.

It's not exactly an uncommon occurrence anymore, but you could say that I had a very bad childhood.  It involved divorce and physical and emotional abuse that has scarred me for life. I won't go into details, because that's not what this is about. Suffice to say that as a child I desperately needed an outlet for escaping my life. I was powerless in the real world. There was nothing I could do about my situation. Bur I could go somewhere else in stories and I could be someone else at least for a short time. I developed the habit of getting so deeply involved in the books I read that I tuned the rest of the world out completely. I would finish the last page, close the book, look up... and wonder where I was for a minute or two. I got lost in stories.

But eventually books weren't quite enough. I didn't only want to experience the worlds and the people and the stories that others created. I wanted to create my own as well. I wanted to create another world for myself, a world where everything was just the way I wanted it. A world where I could feel beautiful and loved and important. That's how my writing career began. I wrote terrible Mary Sue fantasy stories for years. I never took it very seriously. It was just for me, my escape.

It wasn't until I grew up and got married and had a good life that I realized that all those years of writing drivel might just have prepared me to be able to write something worthwhile for a change. I realized that I had quite a creative mind and wasn't terrible with words and maybe, just maybe I could create something lasting and beautiful. Something that could help others to escape briefly to lands of wonder and mystery. Perhaps I really could write stories that would help renew and refresh others, as so many wonderful books had done for me.

That is now my fondest dream. To create stories of beauty and truth. To bring something good into the lives of others.

IWSG: Why I Haven't Finished a Novel

In my posts thus far for the awesome Insecure Writers Support Group, I've tried to mix discussion about worries and fears with encouragement. And I've tried to keep as much of the focus off of myself as possible. There's a very good reason for this. My insecurities could drown the world.

All right, that's sounds a bit melodramatic. But the truth is that I suffer from anxiety and depression. That probably sounds like nothing strange. Lots of people get anxious and depressed from time to time, right? Well, mine is serious enough that I have sought out medication in order to stay functional.

You see, anxiety is a strange beast and it affects everyone differently. For me, it starts with a vague, gnawing worry. Not about anything in particular. Sort of about everything in general. I can't think without worrying and seeing the negative side of everything. (I used to believe that I was a natural pessimist. Now I've realized that it was a symptom of my anxiety.)  Then it starts escalating to the point where I get so overwhelmed by the worry and the pressure that I become paralyzed by fear. I'm afraid to do anything and I'm afraid to not do anything. This heightens the anxiety and often leads to a full blown panic attack. That's one of two ways it could go. Either panic attack or bout of serious depression.

This is something I've been struggling against for years. And this is the reason that I have yet to finish writing anything.

My mind churns with ideas, there are times when I can see the stories I want to write so clearly and I get so excited, I plot, I worldbuild, I work out the details, I sit down to write and for a scene or two or three the words pour forth.... and then the anxiety kicks in. What if it's not good enough? What if it will never be good enough? Is it really interesting enough? Is it only interesting to me? Why is my prose so... blah? What happens next? OH GOD WHY CAN'T I THINK OF WHAT TO WRITE NEXT???

Cue total lock up of the cognitive and creative functions.

But some time ago I finally came to the conclusion that it was not shameful to seek out help. In fact, it was necessary if I wanted to actually be able to function normally and achieve my goal of publishing.

That's my story. It's not an excuse. It's a message to anyone else out there that suffers anything similar that you don't have to try to overcome it alone. You don't have to deal with it yourself. It's not shameful to seek out help. You're not the only one.

Thanksgiving Reflections

I wasn't going to do one of the "I'm Thankful For" posts that are happening all over the place right now because as a rule I am a practical, anti-sappy person. It's not that I'm not grateful for everything in my life. It's just that I don't usually feel comfortable expressing such emotions to the world at large.

But this has been an emotional week for me. Possibly it will help me to deal with the various conflicting emotions I've been experiencing by writing about them. Possibly I'll regret it. Only time will tell.

You see, some weeks back I became aware that I was pregnant... again. Now, some of you may recall that all the way back in April, during the A to Z challenge, I had a brand new baby boy. Born March 30th and now approaching 8 months old. So getting pregnant again so soon wasn't really something I wanted to happen. No, definitely not. The last pregnancy, my fourth, was pretty hard on me. So once it became clear that I was going to have to go through that again I was pretty upset. And I spent some weeks mentally and emotionally trying to deal with the situation.

On Tuesday of this week I had an appointment with my OB/GYN and learned that I had lost the baby.

It's hard to describe the warring emotions that go along with something like this. On one hand there's relief. Knowing that I don't have to be uncomfortable for 6 straight months, sleepless for 2 or 3 (if I'm lucky) more, and frazzled for years from raising two babies so close together. (I've already done this once and it's hard.) On the other hand, I had a baby and now I don't. A baby who will never smile and laugh at me, never have Daddy sing a lullaby, never find its place in the weird cosmos of our family.

It was still early enough in the pregnancy (only about 10 weeks) that nothing had really changed. We hadn't told anyone. I hadn't yet formed that unique bond. So on one hand, it's a good thing that it happened early when my body can take care of it without a procedure and we can just return to live as usual. On the other hand, I don't know how I'm supposed to feel.

But today, during our little Thanksgiving at home (with just my sister-in-law and family with us), I felt distinctly thankful for and in love with my children. They aren't perfect. They're little hellions most of the time. But they are so very alive, brimming with vitality and personality and unconditional love.

Luthien Tinuviel our intellectual 8 year old who has debated for some time whether she wants to be a geologist or a zoologist when she grows up. She has finally decided that geology is more boring. Right now she is sitting on the couch writing a Thundercats/He-Man crossover story starring her cousin to be a Christmas present in a month.

Maedhros James our intrepid 4 year old. He who never saw a problem he couldn't solve or an obstacle he couldn't overcome. Perhaps if we directed his ingenuity at cancer or peace in the Middle East his tired parents could stop fighting this war of attrition over whether or not he's going to manage to destroy our house by age 5.

Fiona Rose our 3 year old fairy changeling. Fiona is a combination of ethereal beauty and an attitude that says "your mortal rules hold no sway over me" that has us convinced that she's really one of The Fair Folk. She can switch between sweet and loving and spiteful and fiery faster than you can say sidhe.

Corwin Benedict who will be 8 months in less than a week. He seems to instinctively know that my sanity wouldn't survive having four children if he wasn't as sweet and good and perfect as he is. Somehow he came into our house of noise and chaos and fit right in without a fuss. He truly is a blessing.

I am so thankful for all these wonderful children I share my life with. And for their father, the only man I could imagine raising a family with. For now, there will be no fifth. But perhaps in time (hopefully when the middle two are safely at school for much of the day) we will find find ourselves making room for more.

Don't be an Individual

Just in case you've been living under a rock for the past week, it is my duty to inform you that the Third Writers Platform Building Campaign is now live and that yours truly has joined in. (Because yours truly doesn't have nearly enough commitments going on.) I've placed my name in a Fantasy group and in an Adult Fiction group, possibly because I hate myself. The other night I spent hours going through all of the Fantasy signups, checking out blogs, following, commenting. (By the way, is anyone else having trouble with the follower widgets not showing up when you go to someone's blog? I had to refresh many of them up to 10 times for it to display. It's a bit frustrating.) I've yet to get through the Adult groups, but I will!

 I have to admit that I'm disappointed that it isn't a crusade anymore. Crusade is a much more interesting and evocative word than campaign. But then again, I suppose it can't be a crusade. It saddens me, but the final one already happened.

Great movie? Or greatest movie?

To go along with the idea of networking, I'd like to host some guest posts and/or interviews of other Fantasy bloggers here during the challenge. So if you'd like to either submit yourself to questioning (without the small room and bright light, I promise) or just write about a preferably fantasy related topic of your choice, please comment below and let me know how to contact you.

I find it's amazing how many awesome blogs were out there that I'd never seen before. I'm very excited to get to know more people. There are several new followers here. (Hi!) And so it seems like a good idea to do a sort of "getting to know you" post for the campaign trail. I'll almost certainly regret this later on.

Who am I?

There are two sorts of people in the world. Those who, when they hear the words "who am I", immediately think "24601" and those who don't. I am part of the former, happy category. (Or maybe it's just me. Who knows.)

Holy crap, I need one of these.

Let's Get Personal

I like to say that I am, first and foremost, a wife and mother. Nothing will ever come before those two things. My wonderful husband and my four crazy, rambunctious, beautiful children are and always will be the most important things in my life. And this leads me to some stuff I don't normally like to talk about, but it's a huge part of who I am.

You see, I didn't have a very happy parental situation when I was a child. I suffered through two divorces before my biological father abandoned me and my mother's third husband took up the slack by adopting me. Apart from making me somewhat messed up, these experiences make me a strong proponent of a stable home environment for children NO MATTER WHAT. Divorce is wrong. It is evil. It tears the hearts of children into little pieces and much of the time it's for no greater reason than a parent's so-called happiness.

I'm not saying that if you've been through a divorce that it's your fault or that you are evil. Far from it. My mother divorced twice and it wasn't her fault. Her first husband was abusive of her and of my brother and myself. Her second husband was dangerously unstable. Fortunately for her, the third time was the charm. But for me it was too late my then. I was, and still am, irrevocably damaged. So I guess what I am saying is that  you'd better have a damn good reason for putting your kids through divorce. Something greater than your personal happiness.

You've Been Warned

That's an understatement.

I am a firm believer in and seeker for Truth. I suppose I believe that truth is the most important thing in the world. Because of this I tend to be very passionate about and strong in my opinions on various subjects. If the subject is something I care about I usually put a lot of thought and research and careful discussion with my husband into it. So when I come to a conclusion about something, when I believe in something, I suppose I can come across as something of an argumentative know-it-all. I'm not one of those people who thinks that everything is relative and everyone is entitled to their own opinions about everything. I mean, you're perfectly free to state your opinions. And I'm perfectly free to disagree with them strongly.


And, alas, I do tend to disagree with a lot of things that other people say. It's something that I observe more and more as I travel around the blogosphere. I don't think like most people. I can't be sure if it's just me, or if there is a subset of people out there who do think like me but are much more quiet about it. (If you're out there, don't be shy!) Some might call my thinking old-fashioned. After all, I like the fantasy genre because, to paraphrase Tolkien in his essay On Fairy Stories, I prefer horses to cars, castles to apartment complexes, bows and arrows to guns, Elves to environmentalists, Kings to presidents, and priests to "spiritual people". I also prefer beauty to starkness, verisimilitude to "realism", the transcendent to the mundane, hope to despair. And I am an enthusiastic supporter of creative and financial freedom for writers rather than the shackles that publishers try to weigh us down with.


I try not to be argumentative or too negative, but I am always compelled to be fully honest in my thinking. I've gotten through life by just keeping my mouth shut when I didn't have anything nice to say, but it works differently around the blogosphere. All I've got here are my words. But in keep with all this, I welcome, even encourage, intelligent and respectful discussion and debate on any subject. I tend to be sarcastic, though my sarcasm often tends toward the self-depreciating. It is never (intentionally) aimed at others.

Don't be an Individual

I have found in recent years that I'm an individual and I'm not entirely sure that I'm happy about it. Being an individual often seems to me like such a lonely position. I find myself sometimes longing for the sense of community that characterized the beliefs of the ancient Egyptians. I guess that's part of why I'm here in the blogosphere. To meet people and make friends and become part of a community. I'm hoping the campaign will help with that.


Now, if I haven't scared you away by now, here's a hilarious video from which I stole the title of this post: