All right, that's sounds a bit melodramatic. But the truth is that I suffer from anxiety and depression. That probably sounds like nothing strange. Lots of people get anxious and depressed from time to time, right? Well, mine is serious enough that I have sought out medication in order to stay functional.
You see, anxiety is a strange beast and it affects everyone differently. For me, it starts with a vague, gnawing worry. Not about anything in particular. Sort of about everything in general. I can't think without worrying and seeing the negative side of everything. (I used to believe that I was a natural pessimist. Now I've realized that it was a symptom of my anxiety.) Then it starts escalating to the point where I get so overwhelmed by the worry and the pressure that I become paralyzed by fear. I'm afraid to do anything and I'm afraid to not do anything. This heightens the anxiety and often leads to a full blown panic attack. That's one of two ways it could go. Either panic attack or bout of serious depression.
This is something I've been struggling against for years. And this is the reason that I have yet to finish writing anything.
My mind churns with ideas, there are times when I can see the stories I want to write so clearly and I get so excited, I plot, I worldbuild, I work out the details, I sit down to write and for a scene or two or three the words pour forth.... and then the anxiety kicks in. What if it's not good enough? What if it will never be good enough? Is it really interesting enough? Is it only interesting to me? Why is my prose so... blah? What happens next? OH GOD WHY CAN'T I THINK OF WHAT TO WRITE NEXT???
Cue total lock up of the cognitive and creative functions.
But some time ago I finally came to the conclusion that it was not shameful to seek out help. In fact, it was necessary if I wanted to actually be able to function normally and achieve my goal of publishing.
That's my story. It's not an excuse. It's a message to anyone else out there that suffers anything similar that you don't have to try to overcome it alone. You don't have to deal with it yourself. It's not shameful to seek out help. You're not the only one.
Thank you for sharing Sarah! I'm the same way some days. It seems so easy to come up with the ideas and then when it comes down to putting it into words, they some times get blocked. If only a story could be written down by thoughts alone, then I'd be all set. If I had any sort of superpower, that would be it! :)
ReplyDeleteWhat a very touching and personal story. I agree with your conclusion, becasue if we could do everything by ourselves why would we need anybody else on this planet? But we do need people and we do need help. I've been reading Self-editing and revision by James Scott Bell and he talks about that terrifying place in the middle of your book where you can't go on. It's really interesting read that I would recommend to writers who want to improve :)
ReplyDeleteIt's a very deep and honest post you have written today. Also a subject which is very close to my heart. There are some awesome people out there waiting in the wings to help us out. People from all walks of life and waiting to help you in all sorts of ways. These are some truly amazing people who listen and help overcome life's problems. All I WILL say is that it is a hard, long fight, but with help you get there. There is ALWAYS light at the end of the tunnel. WELL DONE SARAH!!
ReplyDeleteAmy, that would be a great superpower!
ReplyDeleteJ.A.- Sounds like a very valuable book. I'll have to look for it.
Eve, thank you.
I have a friend who is bi-polar and suffers from severe anxiety, and medicine really helps him. No shame in that. You need to be able to function and think straight!
ReplyDeleteI used to have many of those symptoms myself. Took me five years to write my first novel because I could hardly concentrate long enough to get it done. Turns out my problem was my thyroid. I'd always known I had issues with it, but I wasn't taking medication. As I aged the condition worsened to the point I thought I was seriously depressed. BUT I got on medication for my slow thyroid and it was like a light going on in a dark room. My concentration came back, my energy, my outlook...and I finished my next novel in a year and a half.
ReplyDeleteMy point? Get the help you think you need. It really can make a difference.
Now way would I have been able to achieve everything I have on my own. I suffer from anxiety attacks, but not to the point of medication yet, but I think writing can only intensify the problems.
ReplyDeleteI respect people who reach out and ask for help. It takes a lot more courage than dealing with everything on your own. :)
Alex, thinking straight is essential if I ever actually want to become an author! Medicine is worth it.
ReplyDeleteL.G.- Sounds familiar. It's amazing how much anxiety can drain your energy and focus and motivation.
Cassie, You're right, though I was raised to think that asking for help was a weakness, so it took me a long time to look for help. It's so easy to fall into thinking that way.
That's a shame :( Though you could just use all of your worldbuilding and create an encyclopaedia instead :)
ReplyDeleteWould setting smaller writing goals help in building up the strength to break through? Write some flash fiction for a while until you're in the swing of things, then build up from there?
Being able to honestly share who you are is part of what makes a great writer. Medication is there to improve our lives, kudos on knowing when to get some help.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if this idea will help, but why worry about what's "good enough." What does that even mean? It only has to be good enough for you. If it's something that you would sit down and read, something you enjoy, then it's good enough.
ReplyDeleteJamie, I am fully determined to finish writing a novel and then writing several more. That's why I have done something about my anxiety. It may just take me longer than some people.
ReplyDeleteNancy, thank you for that thought. I would love to be a great writer someday!
Andrew, the problem with severe anxiety is that I literally have no control over when I worry and when I don't. I'm a very rational, logical person and I can know in my head that there's no reason to worry, but that won't stop my body from going through all of the steps of getting extremely freaked out over stupid things. That's why I need the medication.
I love being part of this blogging writers community, to know I'm not alone in this pursuit, and yes, for help.
ReplyDeleteWhen my mind starts getting crazy, I make lists :-)
Deniz, I sometimes make lists too. But they seldom do me any good. ;)
ReplyDeleteI just like 'em cos it gets all the stuff out of my brain...
ReplyDeleteOh, no, I understand that. I just meant, maybe, to keep the worrying from starting at all.
ReplyDeleteSarah, I'm also a part of the IWSG, nice to meet you:) Kudos to you for sharing this with us. I have issues with anxiety as well, so I completely understand and commend you on your honesty. :)
ReplyDeleteI think it's a sign of strength to ask for help or outside opinions. Good luck with jumpstarting your ideas!
ReplyDeleteI understand what your going through and I'm glad you are aware of the problem and have sought help. I hope to read of you finishing a novel soon.
ReplyDeleteJust stick with it, Sarah. My experience with writers is that if they're strong enough to talk to others about their concerns, eventually they'll triumph. You sound like you're well on the way to being successful.
ReplyDeleteSarah, I'm sorry it's taken me this long to come around and comment, but I wanted to say thank you for sharing this story. It can be very difficult for people to ask for help, so I'm glad you did. The pressure to write a great story is pressure enough, but add to it anxiety? Yikes!
ReplyDeleteCan't wait to hear about your finished novel(s)!