Insecure Writer's Support Group: Learning to say "It is good"

Take an insecurity and ratchet it all the way up and what do you get? An anxiety.

I've probably obliquely mentioned that I have anxiety issues before. But I'm one of those people who likes to (needs to, really) maintain a veneer of being calm and collected no matter how I feel on the inside. So while I'm projecting this...

There's a very real chance that on the inside I look more like this...

And the problem with the anxiety that I suffer is that it's general, meaning that at any given point in time I'm feeling strong anxiety about nothing in particular that manifests its self by making everything I want to do difficult. My anxiety isn't based on anything real or anything rational for the most part. And let me tell you, that drives me insane. Because I am a very rational and logical person. So I can sit back and examine my symptoms of anxiety and KNOW that there's nothing to be anxious about, no reason to argue about the possible consequences of every little thing, no basis to most of my fears. And yet, that knowledge has absolutely no affect on my symptoms. I simply can't control the physical effects of my fear. I can't stop the breathing difficulty or the rapidly beating heart or the muscular paralysis or anything else that I experience every time I need to make an important phone call. (That's right, I get severe anxiety from making phone calls. It's stupid and really, really inconvenient and I've been struggling against it for years with no results.)

Quite honestly, anxiety is something that people who have never suffered from it can't understand most of the time.

And I'm talking about this today because in addition to phone calls, trying new tastes, needles and other various things I suffer from anxiety of putting my own words out there for other people to read. I know that this is what's been holding me back for a long time as a writer. It was easier, once upon a time, when I didn't really consider publication as the goal of my writing. I just wrote because I couldn't help it and the only person I ever showed any of it to was my husband. Now that every word I write has the potential to be seen by the public...

Well, let's just say I even have a hard time hitting the publish button on blog posts. There's a part of me always second guessing myself, whispering "You could have said that much better with a bit more time". But down that road lies madness. If you start telling yourself that with a bit more work it could be so much better (even though it's true) then you'll never get around to publishing anything because it could ALWAYS get better. None of us are sitting down to the computer and typing up perfection on the first draft or even the 50th.

For me, this particular madness is preemptive. Before I even get a first draft down the voices are whispering to me, "Why bother? You'll never get it right. It will always fall short of what you want it to be." And that's probably true as well. It's probably been true of all the masterpieces of literature that were ever published. In one way or another, they fell short of the author's vision. And yet we have those masterpieces because at some point the writer looked at his or her creation and said "It is good." Not "It is perfect and could never get better" but simply "It is good."

I haven't managed to reach this point yet, but I'm working on it. I suspect simple discipline is necessary and I am admittedly not a very disciplined person in my habits. That's something I plan to work on this year.

So how about you? Do you struggle with this anxiety? Have you found ways of combating it? I could use all the tips and tricks I can get.

IWSG: Why I Haven't Finished a Novel

In my posts thus far for the awesome Insecure Writers Support Group, I've tried to mix discussion about worries and fears with encouragement. And I've tried to keep as much of the focus off of myself as possible. There's a very good reason for this. My insecurities could drown the world.

All right, that's sounds a bit melodramatic. But the truth is that I suffer from anxiety and depression. That probably sounds like nothing strange. Lots of people get anxious and depressed from time to time, right? Well, mine is serious enough that I have sought out medication in order to stay functional.

You see, anxiety is a strange beast and it affects everyone differently. For me, it starts with a vague, gnawing worry. Not about anything in particular. Sort of about everything in general. I can't think without worrying and seeing the negative side of everything. (I used to believe that I was a natural pessimist. Now I've realized that it was a symptom of my anxiety.)  Then it starts escalating to the point where I get so overwhelmed by the worry and the pressure that I become paralyzed by fear. I'm afraid to do anything and I'm afraid to not do anything. This heightens the anxiety and often leads to a full blown panic attack. That's one of two ways it could go. Either panic attack or bout of serious depression.

This is something I've been struggling against for years. And this is the reason that I have yet to finish writing anything.

My mind churns with ideas, there are times when I can see the stories I want to write so clearly and I get so excited, I plot, I worldbuild, I work out the details, I sit down to write and for a scene or two or three the words pour forth.... and then the anxiety kicks in. What if it's not good enough? What if it will never be good enough? Is it really interesting enough? Is it only interesting to me? Why is my prose so... blah? What happens next? OH GOD WHY CAN'T I THINK OF WHAT TO WRITE NEXT???

Cue total lock up of the cognitive and creative functions.

But some time ago I finally came to the conclusion that it was not shameful to seek out help. In fact, it was necessary if I wanted to actually be able to function normally and achieve my goal of publishing.

That's my story. It's not an excuse. It's a message to anyone else out there that suffers anything similar that you don't have to try to overcome it alone. You don't have to deal with it yourself. It's not shameful to seek out help. You're not the only one.

Insecure Writers Group: Shades of Mediocrity

There's a particular line from the song "Homeward Bound" by Simon and Garfunkel that has always resonated with me:


But all my words come back to me in shades of mediocrity

This is something that I always feel very keenly when I write. There are days when I have to sit there and force myself to put words on the paper because the whole time I'm writing there's a voice in my head saying, "God, this is so dull. Why on earth do you think anyone would want to read this? Your use of language is appallingly simple and coarse. Would you please stop? I can't take it anymore."

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't think I'm a bad writer (even though that's what I say to my husband every time I ask him to read a scene for me). I do actually think I'm a far better writer than many, many people on the planet. Of course, the majority of those people never claimed to be writers and are perfectly happy with their lives in other lines of work. I also think I'm significantly better than many authors of certain *cough* fanfictions *cough* I've read. But that's not really a source of pride. I am, I think, a decent writer.

Then I read books that make me marvel at their ideas and images and prose. Then I look at my own and think "Dull, dull, dull. Irrepressibly drab and awful." All my words come back to me in shades of mediocrity.

And I think that most writers (especially we who aren't published yet) suffer from this to some extent. That's why writers tend to rewrite, revise, edit, and polish over and over again until they think their manuscript is as close to "perfect" as it can get. Our prose is almost never good enough for us as it is. Have you ever had someone read your work and tell you how good, how compelling it was and how strong the voice was? And then you look at them at if they're deranged and begin to suspect that they're just outright lying to you because how could they possibly think any of that pile of steaming crap had any merit at all? 

Well, there's a reason for that. Here's how author Kristine Kathryn Rusch explains it:

When you’re telling the same plot as someone else, you differentiate that plot from the other person’s only by making that story personal, making it something you care about.  You write honestly, without stylistic flourishes at all.

If you do it right, that story will be compelling—and here’s the weird thing. Everyone will mention how strong your voice is.  You won’t see your voice in that piece at all.  In fact, you’ll think that story’s prose is colorless, unoriginal, and rather mundane.

Why?

Ever since you learned the language around your first year, you’ve been thinking precisely that way.  That’s how you think. That’s how you talk.  That’s your perspective.  It’s old news to you.  In fact, it’s normal.  But to everyone else—especially people who’ve never met you—that perspective is new and vivid and memorable.

 Remember that folks: you can't hear your own voice in your writing because it's been yours since you learned to talk and to you it's just the same old song. But to other people your voice is different, unique, fresh, interesting.

And we as writers need to just learn to trust our voice without attempting to polish it into oblivion. We need to trust the unique perspective that we write from to make our writing personal and thus more compelling.

I've known this for some time but I still hear those evil negative voices in my head. Most of the time I just need to block them out and keep going. Trust doesn't come naturally to me, I have to practice it. We all do, to an extent. We need to just keep writing and we need to not get stuck in endless revision cycles. We need to write and then go ahead and put our writing out there, whether that's submitting it to traditional houses, or publishing it yourself. Take chances and trust your voice. It's the only way your voice will be allowed to develop.

Believe in yourself as a writer.

Insecure Writer's Support Group: You Don't Need Validation

Disclaimer: This post is liable to be controversial. Please note that even though I fully intend to self publish, this post is not meant to be a self publishing vs. traditional publishing post. It is not meant to advocate one path over the other. 

As I have wandered and explored the blogosphere for these many months there has always been a certain trend among writers that disturbed me. This is the desperate need for validation.

Aspiring writers, as a general group, tend to be obsessed with getting the approval and acceptance of all the right people in traditional publishing. Writers rewrite, reshape, and polish themselves and their work over and over and over again just to get a nod from certain people in the industry. They query and submit and grovel before these literary behemoths. They wait and wait and wait and then are rejected and then do it all over again as many time as it takes. "Just one acceptance and I'm in," they tell themselves.

Why do they do it?

They need acceptance and they need validation from the system before they can consider themselves real writers.

I came across a blog post yesterday which shouldn't really have astounded me and yet it did. It was entitled "Dear Agent". I've seen many such "dear agent" posts but this one was the most piteously sad. You see, the bulk of the post was little more than a video of the song "I Want You to Want Me" by Cheap Trick and the words "This about sums it up". The main verse of the song, of course, goes like this:

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me.
I'm beggin' you to beg me.

The singer also goes through a list of the things he's willing to do to have his feelings reciprocated:

I'll shine up my old brown shoes.
I'll put on a brand new shirt
I'll get home early from work
if you say that you love me.

I say the post was piteously sad, even though the author almost certainly meant it at least partially in jest, because even if you try to laugh it off, this is exactly how many, many aspiring authors approach traditional publishing.

Do you see the problem? I do. Here it is: publishing is an international business and authors are approaching it like a romantic relationship. They are approaching it from an emotionally needy position. They want to be wanted. They need to be needed. They'd love to be loved. They'll do just about anything to get that validation.

But today is the Insecure Writer's Support Group and I am here to tell you that you don't need their stinking validation.

Now, I am NOT saying that you shouldn't traditionally publish. I'm saying, don't go into it from an emotionally needy position. I'm saying, don't treat publishing like a relationship. I'm saying, don't grovel or rewrite yourself just to get a publishing deal. It's not worth that.

Validation is something that ultimately, if you persevere, you will get from your readers. From their reviews and their letters of thanks. Don't look for it from people who only care about the saleability of your writing. Look for it from the people who buy your writing just for the joy they find reading it.

Right now it may seem like you'll never get to that place. And perhaps, if you focus on trying to please and impress the industry instead of just selling books in a business-like manner, you won't. But if you stop looking for your validation from them and become more secure in your role as a supplier of a product that there is an increasing demand for, you can succeed and achieve great things.

Believe in yourself.

I realize that this is a somewhat hard post to swallow so here is some validation that is good for everyone.

IWSG: Fears about Originality

Today is the Insecure Writers Support Group! When we flood the world wide web with our pathetic tears. Or hopefully not. Last month I shared about my eight-year-old daughter's inspirational writing habits. (She is, by the way, still at it. Just the other day she received a new diary and did she start writing about boys in it? No, she started writing a story called "The Adventures of Luthien and Dot" about her and her new baby cheetah stuffed toy. It also features some of the Thundercats.) But today, ah today! I am feeling a bit apprehensive myself and I'd like to share a little bit about what's worrying me.


I love ancient history and mythology. Like, a lot. I'm a little bit obsessed with Ancient Egypt in particular. And thus history and mythology is a huge inspiration for and influence on my writing and my worldbuilding. What worries me is this:


Is it an influence to the point where I am just rehashing history and mythology and not being original at all?

This has been a concern for me for a long time. It's always there under the surface. For some time I thought I had defeated it. But recently I read a book with tips for writing fantasy where the author made the argument that if you are taking names from history and mythology and not making up your own names for your fantasy world, then you are a hack. And thus all the old insecurities reared their ugly heads and yelled, "We're baaack!"

Names are a difficulty for me, I admit. I love names. I appreciate a well turned name, made up or no. But I've never been good at inventing them. I'm no Tolkien. So I've been appropriating names from history and from mythology to use in my world. Akhet, the name of one country in my world, is the Egyptian name for the horizon. Another land is even less inspired, Breizh is simply the Breton language name for Brittany. The island of Palis I adapted from an early name that Tolkien made up but never ultimately used. (Which was an intentional homage to his influence on me.) Character names are no better. Narmer was the name of a very early Egyptian king as was Menes. Sollon is Solon, the Greek politician and philosopher, with the oh-so-clever addition of an L.

But of course names aren't the only problem. I am also concerned that I am following cultures too closely. Since the beginning I intended Akhet to take much from Ancient Egypt. But I intended to pick and choose how much of real Egyptian culture I wanted to use and make up the rest. The problem is that I love almost everything about Egyptian culture and now I'm concerned that Akhet will be little more than an obvious and shallow copy.

Ultimately, am I taking too much from the real world, and not making my world original enough? The thought haunts me. Tolkien is my role model as a worldbuilder and it's clear that he took his inspiration from northern mythology and literature. Yet he took it and somehow made it wholly his. I worry incessantly that I will fall miserably far of this ideal.

So there you have it, ISWG. Any words of encouragement for me?

An Example for Insecure Writers

Today I'm posting for the Insecure Writer's Support Group, hosted by Alex J. Cavanaugh. If you're feeling a little insecure and need a place to commiserate this is the time to do it. If you have been there, done that and now think you can offer some encouragement to your fellow writers this is also the time to do it. To be honest, I thought I would be squarely in the first camp. After all, I'm probably the world's most insecure person. However, I have been inspired by something in real life lately, and I want to share it with you.


My eldest daughter, Luthien Tinuviel, has always been very advanced with her verbal skills. She learned to use complete sentences very early and has just about been driving us crazy ever since. In addition, she has a strong artistic streak. We have large boxes full of all the art she's made over the past few years. Then about 4 years ago with grandma's help she made us a picture book for Christmas. It was all about Dora the Explorer. Luthien dictated and grandma wrote everything down, word for word. Where it lacked coherency it more than made up for it on the "About the Author" page. It goes like this:

My name is "who is the bear?" I read about the three bears book. My real name is Luthien McCabe. I'm 4. I like food, waterfalls, and streams. I like to play a game. I like to build a snowman in wintertime. I like to go to Grandma's house. My family was eaten by really ugly polar bears. They were black and ugly. I tricked you. My family was saved by a beautiful angel with a magic wand. I love you Daddy, Mommy and Maedhros. 

Over the next few years there were a few more books. A book all about princesses. A book called "Me in the Mirror" where her creativity really began to shine. Then she discovered Narnia and became a little obsessed. Her next book was all about her journey to the real Narnia where she played games with Prince Rillian. She wanted to publish it. "You can't publish it, sweetie," I told her. "It's copyrighted. No one else can publish books about Narnia except the C.S. Lewis estate." She had a hard time accepting this since she firmly believed that Narnia is a real place. Why couldn't she write books about a real place? No matter, she moved on.

Luthien and Maedhros drawing together.

The last year has been marked by different attempts to write something she could publish. It was easy while she was writing fanfiction, but eventually she moved on to original works. I struggled with how I could tell her that her childish, barely legible picture books drawn in spiral notebooks were not publishable. But I'm nothing if not straightforward so I just told her. "They're not really good enough to publish." And I fervently prayed that I wasn't discouraging her from writing stories altogether. She kept trying. "Is this one good enough to publish yet?" "Not yet." Eventually she stopped asking, but when I would tell her how much I liked her story she would ruefully comment, "But not good enough to publish." At some point I explained to her that 8 year-olds don't generally get to publish books, especially when they are so sloppy about spelling and punctuation. Even that did not discourage her.

This entire summer she's been filling notebooks with stories. Mostly episodes of the Thundercats with the new Thundercat Leperda and she recently started a He-Man/Thundercats crossover. She doesn't talk about publishing them. She knows she needs to learn and practice. It hasn't dimmed her creative fire. Yesterday she started a new one. She hasn't let me see it yet. She's worried I won't like it because it's too "boyish". I told her I can't wait to see it.

Her determination and her sheer output are putting me to shame. At this point, I'm going to have to get my act together if I want to publish before she does. But like her, I'm not going to let it discourage me. I'm going to take up this challenge and I'm going to keep working and practicing until I have something I can publish. I will be an author!