Wednesday, May 25, 2011

The Tension of Power

It's the Power of Tension blogfest! Hosted by Rachel and Cally, this blogfest is for posting a passage of your writing that highlights tension. And because I have a sickness, I couldn't help signing up. All I can say is, 5 days to post your submission is the BEST IDEA EVER. On behalf of procrastinators everywhere, I thank our hosts from the bottom of my heart.

I thought I wouldn't have the scene I wanted to post revised until later this week, but my muse smiled on me yesterday. This scene is part of the lead up to a section of serious action around the center of the book (I think). Don't worry, you're not supposed to know what they're talking about yet. The reader isn't supposed to find out until it actually happens and then BAM! Hopefully I'll blow your minds. ;) Anyway, here it is:

    Tap. Tap.
    Setekhpenre looked up from his manuscript, his reed pen frozen in mid stroke. Not yet. Not tonight, he thought. He turned his body away from the door. The pen descended.
    Tap. Tap. Tap.
    He took a cloth and carefully wiped away a few crooked lines. He set the pen to the paper again and retraced the characters. I’m not ready. I’m not ready.
    TAP. TAP. TAP.
    The pen dropped from his shaking hand. Eyes closed, he took in several deep breaths. Setekhpenre stood, smoothed out his robes and walked to the door. He opened it.
    “I was beginning to think you would not answer me.”
    Setekhpenre fought to calm his features as he looked into the eyes of his visitor. “Kamose, you know I will always answer you.”
    “Whether or not you want to,” the visitor said.
    “Whether or not I want to.”
    Kamose walked past Setekh and motioned for him to close the door. “I would spare you if I could. Truly, my friend. But you knew this day was coming. I want you by my side.”
    “Kamose... is it necessary? There must be another way!”
    “So you have been saying for the last three seasons.” Kamose sat down at Setekh’s desk. He picked up the manuscript. “What is this?”
    Setekh swallowed. “It is a prayer.”
    “O Re God of Life, you Lord of Love, All men live when you shine,” Kamose read. “What is it you are praying for, Set?”
    “For the souls of the people who will die,” said Setekh.
    Kamose set the manuscript down and looked at Setekh. “It is necessary. And you will come with us.” Setekh gasped at the edge in his voice. “Tonight. Now. I will not wait any longer.”
    Setekh held his tongue and nodded his head in submission.
    “Let us go,” said Kamose. “The hour is near at hand.”
So what do you think? Is it tense enough? Is the conflict of interest between Setekh and Kamose as palpable as I want it to be? Are you intrigued? I'd love to hear your thoughts.


  1. It is intriguing, and I can definitely feel the tension between the characters. Nice job! :)

  2. Yes! This has a wonderful build of tension. In the end I have so many questions that I would definitely keep reading to find the answers.

    I loved how Set didn't want to answer and tried to avoid it in the beginning.

  3. There's a definite tugging between the two. When two people want different things it makes for great tension. Well done.

  4. There is a palpable sense between the two, and there is an outcome just out of reach. Wanting more makes for a strong blog.

  5. Thanks, all! Your feedback gives me warm fuzzies.

  6. Nicely done. I can really feel Setekh reluctance to answer the door. You touched my heart when I it's revealed that he's writing a prayer for those who will be killed tonight and then you retched up the tension by revealing that he'll have a hand in it. Loved it! :D

  7. I get the feeling these two were friends once - I could be totally wrong, but that's just the sense I get - in spite of their current conflicts of interest. Having the man writing out the prayer was a nice touch, and it made me like him regardless of whatever terrible thing he was going to have to take part in.

  8. I feel sad for Setekh. He's obviously in a difficult situation and he can't say no. I hope it works out for him!

  9. Brenda, thanks! I'm glad it worked on an emotional level.

    Gabrielle, they are still friends. Friends so close that for all intents and purposes they are brothers. That is why Setekh cannot refuse.

    Sari, unfortunately it doesn't really. He's sort of a tragic hero.

  10. No. No. No. I want more! Please!

    Beautifully written, Sarah. You have a new fan.

    Power Of Tension Blogfest

  11. There are some line-by-line issues that I won't go into, but your story definitely attracted me. I really would love to read more.


  12. Ellie, wow, thanks. Hopefully the rest of it lives up to your praise. :)

    Misha, thanks. I'm not really interested in that kind of critique anyway. ;)

  13. I'm definitely intrigued and wanting to know more about these two characters. Nicely done.

  14. Definite tension present, permeating the entire room! Great Job:)

  15. Well, I thought this was very well-written, and I have a strong sense of doom and dark deeds ahead.

  16. Tense! I wonder what hold Kamose has over Setekh that Setekh feels he has to submit... Maybe Kamose is just really scary!

    Thanks for entering :-)

  17. Yes, yes and yes! I felt so bad for poor Setekh and I'm dying to know why he has to do Kamose's bidding. It tore my heart out when you revealed the prayer he (Setekh) was writing. Bienfait (well done)!

  18. Definitely interested! I love the Egyptian Mythology woven in (or is it based on a myth? I only recognize the names) and the tension is there! I'd like to read more!

  19. Very tense and intriguing! I would definitely keep reading... if only there was more :)

  20. Wow. Thanks for all the positive feedback.

    stickynotestories, the world in general is based on Ancient Egypt and Egyptian religion. The two characters are actually priests.


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